a letter on this Tuesday

my neena,

it's been a whole month without you already.

i miss you as much as i did the day we lost you.

i hope you are in heaven with Teddy,

and you understand how much i love the both of you.

i'm sure you are told *our*story* whenever you

need to hear it. i remind myself of it often.

the *babies* are doing fine, as you probably already noticed.

they are so different than you were, but i am

so grateful to be blessed with them, for they make

me think of you fondly, and make the loss of you,

my first baby girl,

less harsh on my heart.

i wish you warm sunny days,

lazy naps on grassy green fields,

and

liver and whole milk for breakfast

up in heaven.

***

thank you for loving me.

thank you for teaching me how to care for someone unconditionally.

thank you for giving me responsibility.

thank you for the laughs.

thank you for being the first thing in sight every morning of high school.

thank you for being my cat.

***

one day, i'll be able to hold you again.

***

i miss you

and

love you

always.

***

love,

your mommy

me + Mally Roncal + Henri Bendel's in NYC?? to be or not to be?

so...here's the story:

my favorite makeup-artist is Mally Roncal.

[you might have seen her on the Rachel Ray Show a few times]

she has a counter

at Bendel's in NYC

[shown below]

i made an appointment for my bitt & i to get the makes done by her people on Wednesday, November 3rd because...she will be in the house!

**

so exciting...I'd get to meet her!

**

however,

my sister has sham-college lab class,

she doesn't want to come,

and I don't want to go solo...

...

...

...

...

...

...but should I??

*

*

*

*

*

I really want to go, and

finally get to purchase some of her totally awesome makes!
*

*

*

*

it would be an adventure,

if nothing else,

GPSing my way through the streets of NY,

getting a make-over for no reason,

getting to meet Miss Mally herself!

*

*

*

*

*

i keep thinking:

save it for a better time

when thesis papers aren't due,

when you have luxury time to travel into the city,

and luxury money to spend on things such as make-up...

*

*

*

*

then i think:

yo, girl!

your *2010* is HERE!

...and it's

almost up!

Your birthday's right around the corner,

treat yo'self, homie!

*

*

*

*

*

what's your opinion on the matter?

should i cancel the appointment?

OR

go solo?

:)

a couple of goofs...

...at a weddin'

on a Saturday afternoon

in May,

okay??!!??!!

oh Lord.

**

**

nice skyline,

builders of NYC.

ya did good.

**

**

*cheeeeeeeese*

**

**

i couldn't NOT be dumb.

**

**

looking down

at the

*mini tripod*

[it's completely ridiculous ]
**

**

i must say, they were a great looking couple.

she had that ecstatic super-smile on the whole day.

that's what I want as a bride. one day...maybe.

**

**
below is my favorite scene from the reception.

it explains why I love Beyonce, why I love this song, & why I love Filipinos:

happy Tuesday.

[i'm going subbing today!!]

[oh yeah, baby!! back in business!!]

i had a change of post...*Julie&Julia*

yesterday afternoon,

*the boyf* & i

had a terrific bicycling adventure.

**

that adventure

was going to be

the original topic for this post today.

**

last night,

however,

i saw a movie that

couldn't go unblogged about:

Julie&Julia

[trailer below can be better viewed here.]

i'm telling you [and i wouldn't kid you]...if not for your love of eating, love of food, love of cooking, love of love, love of passion, love of people, or love of life, you must see this movie simply because you are a BLOGGER.

the "Julie" part of the movie refers to Julie Powell who started this BLOG**, as the movie explains, to have a regimented, scheduled thing in her life to come home to & focus on & achieve for.

[**i'm assuming you can't get full access to her BLOG anymore because she made it into a book, so... now only one or two posts are visible; poopyfoo.]

Meryl Streep is an absolute dream as Julia Childs.

I thought Amy Adams was endearing too, although my sister was like,

"Why's she crying all the time?! Wah wah wah!"

[my sister doesn't get the raw emotion that goes into blogging &

wanting to make your blog work...haa haa!]

**

this scene below was one of my favorites.

only Tomas truly gets why.

he's Filipino, so he loves everything fish, & tried to cook live lobsters once.

i cried for those poor crustaceans.

like, literally...tears...flowing...crying...

...he was laughing.

the movie has so many scenes made up of the most delicious-looking food!

...and I love how the husbands of J&J in the movie love their wives & the food they cook to death...

...one day i hope to *wow* my husb in the kitchen on a daily basis too...

[i'm still in training for that...tee hee!]

the movie got me thinking about

my *2010* is HERE

& where I've come since I started
& how I don't really have a focus to this space HERE,

like Julie Powell did with her focus on Julia Child & her cooking...

...and then I remembered this post I wrote, & stopped being so critical of myself

...and thought maybe a future BLOG of mine could have more of a "focus"

...and that i guess why i log in everyday & "PUBLISH POSTs" is because i like to, & i like ya'll, & sharing is caring, & it lets me practice my writing, & hear feedback, & i think it's fun.

that's a good enough "focus" for now.

HERE's also like a little celebration of this year,

& my new habitation in the BLOG-o-SPHERE.

everyone's been so nice so far.

love yous.
I'd love to host a party like the one below

with all of you readers invited,

& there'd be karaoke,

a huge nacho platter,

& lots of bean bags to sit on.

Needless to say, I think you should watch the movie, if you haven't already.

I thoroughly enjoyed it,

& with every pee-break I took

[there were about three]

I'd walk by my sister's room & say,

"I'm having a lot of fun with Julie and Julia"

like

they were people in the room with me,

my *two new friends*.

That's how the movie makes you feel.

It was a good time.

** ** ** ** ** ** ** ** ** ** ** ** ** ** ** ** **

this is the real-life Julie Powell,

holding the book of her BLOG:

...and this is the real-deal Julia Childs:

I grew up hearing that doodley-doo, shaky voice as my mom watched her tricks & techniques.

...the movie really put her in perspective. I wish I payed closer attention.

**

That's all I guess I have to say on the movie & the matter. I found this interesting BLOG post about the movie, by one writeous chick, and enjoyed reading it. Maybe you will too.

** ** ** ** ** ** ** ** ** ** ** ** ** ** ** ** **

[as i told ya earlier, I went biking yesterday.]

[that post'll be coming tomorrow.]

Hope you check back in!

love LOVe loVe & Happy Friday.

Bon Appetit! to life, today & always.

*claw**scratch**growl*

i want to ban negative people from my life.

** ** ** **

Yesterday,

my boyfriend & his mom wanted to

take me out to dinner to celebrate my

passing all 3 teacher-certification tests,

thus, being well on my way to having my

own classroom [if by some miracle i'm offered

a job despite this goshdarn 'hiring freeze'].

** ** ** **

right before i left to go out,

some words were exchanged,

& my dad

called me ungrateful.

*

Brake.

*

Hold up.

*

Huh??
*

i mean he's called me everything under the sun,

but ungrateful? really?

i mean, i know my dad's messed up,

like, problems galore, but...

...why doesn't he look in the mirror &

spout negativity instead of projecting this miserable false

sense of reality on everybody else - namely

the three most important people in his life:

his [soon-to-be-ex] wife,

his daughter,

& his other daughter?

Dad,

For the record, I'm grateful. I'm grateful that you've worked all these years so that we could have a nice house, and by 'house' I mean a space with four walls and a solid foundation with running water and heat. I --in no way shape or form-- mean a home. Although it has been a home to me and my mother and sister and pets, you have barely contributed to the loving feelings this house has given me, especially over the past few years.

I'm grateful. I'm grateful that you've worked all these years so that we could have nice food on the table, and by 'food', I mean raw steaks, whole potatoes, and crispy hard vegetables [because without mom, they'd have never gotten cooked]. I --in no way shape or form-- mean loving family dinners. Although we've had loving family dinners, you have barely contributed to the dinners feeling comfortable and happy, especially over the past few years.

I am grateful, and I appreciate all you've contributed, but it's hard to express when the good you do is so few and far between. It's hard to express when you're making family uneasy at Thanksgiving dinners, or mercilessly teasing our younger cousin who's already having a hard enough time with life as it is, or yelling at my ten-year-old friends causing them never to want to come back, or time after time instigating & prodding & nagging & making mountains out of mole-hills & raising the stress level of this house to astronomical levels, causing it to almost self-destruct, or for your role in making mom sick, or...

You have no idea what an ungrateful daughter's like, because even though all the above is true, I do know you love us, and in turn, I love you. I, however, am thankful that I can be free of your tormenting, anti-social ways *one day* and never have to subject myself to stuff like that again.

I am thankful that you've made me an expert on manipulative, weak men whose ego and pride and sense of entitlement should grant them exile to the deepest darkest dungeon, never to be seen by the human race again.

I can pick these men out from a crowd of thousands, and I will smile, nod my head, and never give them a single second more of my time.

I must ban negative people from my life. We all must.

** ** ** **

** ** **

Thank you for reading, for allowing me into your psyche. Your eyes scanning my words mean more than you'll ever know to me. I'm so grateful.

OMG!! Good Lord in Heaven!!

[pic above found here & picniked by me]

** ** ** **

** ** **

ya'll know how I feel about

*buLLdogs*.

** ** ** ** **

** ** ** **

** ** **

well,

upon viewing this post on her site,

i stumbled upon
The Rockstar Diaries, a

BLOG that contained...

[wait, lemme catch my breath]

THIS POST...

** ** ** ** **

** ** ** **

** ** **

** **

**

that post is the stuff of my dreams:

a sunny afternoon,

my very own *bulldog*,

&

a

mother

f***in'

bull

friggin'

dog

birth

day

party!!

** ** ** ** **

** ** ** **

** ** **

Hooray!

Alleluia!

There are other people out

there like me!

Where are they??!!??!!

There's gotta be some in NY!

[well, i guess i'd need a bulldog first]

but...one day.

one day.

** ** ** ** **

** ** ** **

** ** **

** **

**

in the meantime,

i'll student teach for no pay,

& go to college for a few more months

& sit in a classroom listenin' to teachers

talk to me about stuff i already know,

stuff I've known since grade school

about teaching & life & learning...

...i'll do some more wondering around

this world in old, stretched out clothes

listening to my mom & dad argue every 20 seconds,

until the divorce between them is final,

& a whole NEW bunch of agonizingly painful

life changes arise from that.

** ** ** ** **

** ** ** **

** ** **

** **

**

Wow.

i didn't expect this post to take that turn at the end there.

*wah wah wah*

gosh, you hear me?

hee hee.

i just know

[to be incredibly redundant]

that

*one day*

i'm gonna have my own bulldog. maybe 2.

...and it'll be great.

** ** ** ** **

** ** ** **

** ** **

** **

"A goal without a plan is merely a dream." -- Elbert Hubbard

**

**

I guess I gotta start plannin' then, huh?

reflectively reflective

on this rainy Sunday mornin' in NYC,

*amanda*

i *heart* buLLdogs

okay, so this is the first time I'm bringing it up,

but for the past two years i have known...

for sure...

that one day...

...I will have my very own *bulldog* puppy.

photo found here.

i had me a dog growing up...my little pomeranian, Teddy.

we had to put him to sleep several years ago,

& it was so very hard for me to imagine having another dog.

*****

****

***

**

*

as time goes on, I've been getting such a

palpable desire for a puppy in my life.

*****

****

***

**

*

my heart's been set on a bulldog,

just like Popeye, here.

*****

****

***

**

*

Here is a video my boyfriend took of me while in a pet shop in his neighborhood:

Once i see one, it's usually game over and he knows he's lost me for at least ten minutes in my own *goo goo gaa gaa* over-smiling & petting frenzy and *shnoogie oogie lumpkins* puppy tawk.

[deep sigh]

one day, readers...*one day*.

Hawaii (Hula) Vibes Week comes to an *end*

Aloha, to you.

It means hi

it means goodbye

& it means love.

That one word has all three meanings.

*

This is important to me because with my BLOG's

Hawaii (Hula) Vibes Week

coming to an end, I feel a sense of all three.

*
*

Aloha Hello

to you for returning, or first visiting,

and

to my new dream of visiting Hawaii *one day.*
It's kind of like me saying,

"Aloha, dream, it's nice to have you in my head.

I hope to one day make you a reality, and then

we can both be blissed out in celebration.

Won't that be exciting?!"

*

*

Aloha Goodbye

to my original dream which caused me to make

this week (Hula) Vibes Week in the first place - the dream of

winning a contest my local news was hosting.

I would've won a five-night stay in O'ahu, but

I know I didn't win because they supposedly told

the winner Friday.

I didn't get any call.

*

*

Aloha Love

because my small, seemingly insignificant searches

on the web for all things Hawaii and (Hula) have

brought me such a high, weightless feeling of contentment,

almost like a know there is a far away place in this world

whose culture and scenery and environment will be so

fantastical to me.

[I even found this blog I'll be regularly checking out.]

*

*

maybe i'm not meant to win a contest now.

*

maybe i'm meant to travel there on a whim.

*

maybe i'll be there when or if this happens:

maybe i'll be there while like this. OMG.

*

Who knooowssss??!!

*

*

But I know I've realized a dream this week,

a dream of where I wanna get myself,

one way or the other.

*

*

[my BLOG has been magical for this reason, alone, if for none other]

*

I know I'll get there one day.

Hawaii (Hula) Vibes **Valentine's Day**

in my head's world, I am wearing this dress today.

Alllllll day today.

(pic above located here.)

*

*

in a perfect world,

my perfect Valentine's Day

would take place in the most gorgeous spot of

*Hawaii*

amongst palm trees and beach breeze,
and include a hula show,

me in this dress on an 85 degree night,

a white flower in my hair,

my hand in my Love's,

over a great great dinner.

*

afterward,

there would probably be dancing,

both fast and slow.

*

*

Happy Valentine's Day,

everyone.

*

*

love, love, love,

*and then*

love some more.

searchin' for Hawaii (Hula) Vibes

in my dreams

the Hawaiian breeze

is blowing in between my knees

on my long white skirt and underneath

while i'm standing on the balcony

looking at the evening sea,

then you gently call to me

- ever so sweet -

"it's time to eat"

i turn, and you've pulled out my seat

genuine smile, your top teeth

did i do something right, i think,

or was i born this incredibly lucky?

by

me

RE: *outfit sketch* from earlier this week

(a post more on the lighter side than what i've been postin')

This post is a reply to

my post from earlier this week

about my

take on *marriage*.

Bottom line:

I'm so confused by marriage I could pee!!

So many of my friends

already are

or

[are getting] married...

...and *the shows* don't make it better:

Bridezillas

Platinum Weddings

Say 'Yes' to the Dress

My Fair Wedding

...and then with this past weekend's

*Dylan & Toni*

Beverly Hills, 90210

*tear-fest* I had sunday morning,

my emotions were all over the place.

I really needed some comic relief

to balance out all

the confusion.

Soooo...

after extensive "research"

(a.k.a. aimless web-surfing)

I think I found

what might make me

feel better:

Yep.

That'll do it.

the *weekend* of *tears*

~this is the *sister* post to yesterday's post~

in addition to the tear-jerker morning I had sunday,

i ALSO watched

My Sister's Keeper

with my mom & Bitt

sunday night

(...aaaannnnddd The Lovely Bones friday night,

which we won't get into just yet, if at all,

but pretty much know that it was

the *weekend* of *tears*)

THE.

TEARS.

WERE.

FLOWIN'.

the tears were flowin' HARD.

I believe my quote was:
"my eyes weren't puffy and filled with dark-circles
enough, sooo 'Let's watch My Sister's Keeper!!' Great idea!"

the scene on the beach is mesmerizing.

the song that plays during it
just
*wrapped my heart in a heated blanket
& rocked it to heaven*.

the song
is my dreams,
and
sums up the
feeling
this past weekend
has given me,
and i now walk with.

it's all about love,
Love,
LoVe,
Love love Love,
lOve.

*outfit sketch* for the future?? maybe...??

oh my goodness, reader

i am soo f***ed up!

here i am *outfit sketching* myself in a wedding dress!!

I'm nowhere near ready to get married,

plus I'm pretty sure i don't believe in the institution of marriage itself,

yet here i am, knowing EXACTLY how I'm going to look on 'my wedding day'.

WTF??!!

can you say "L"oser??!!

Well, as the picture says,

maybe this'll be me

*one day.*

(when my hair's just as long as in the photo...haa haa...)

Although I'm unsure about marriage,

i AM sure about *dresses*
my Bitt & I even made up a song about dresses

(maybe I'll record it & post it one day)

i *heart* dresses

what do you think on the manner?

to wed or not to wed one day?

and

how do you **know**??

a merry Christmas *eve* moment

i thought i'd take a breif moment to wish you, reader, as solitary and singled out as you are on my newborn baby BLOG, a merry merry holiday.

i'm an old soul in a (relatively) young package and even now, with a quarter-a-century behind me, I think: "how many of these good ol' christmas eves do i have left until I have no more left?"

is that morbid of me? perhaps. but thoughts like those help me to breathe in every second of

my sister 'christmas'-ing up herself in the mirror,

my mom making fish salad,

the garlic and lemon and ocean smell of the fish salad...mmm...,

the boyfriend and cat sound asleep, giving me a brief few moments before...oop!...and there goes the cat! (she smelled the fish salad.)

Goodness gracious, I love winter for it's beginning days, and then...ick.

You will see.

i'm going to try to appreciate it this go'round.

what else? oh!

I stumbled upon the photo below while looking for winter and christmas image-inspiration (as we BLOGGERS, or I - wannabe blogger) do...and uh!

this is part of that world...

...that world my thoughts get stuck in so often...my world of *dream scenes* where what I want my life to become and be encompassed with lives.

have a merry merry jolly jolly super-happy lovely christmas eve and actual day. :)

remember:

yesterday is history.

tomorrow is a mystery.

today is a gift...that's why it's called the present.

*one day* i'll live this *dream scene*...one day one day one day...

...oop! and there's the boyfriend waking up. Gotta feed him some fish salad. ;)

see...*told* ya.

sooo...found this here.
*hummida hummida*

{drool drool drool}

i wanna walk out of a cool, Italian alleyway art store & find my most maRvelous *moped* parked on some eclectic street like this *one day*...

...i hope i *dream this scene* tonight <3...

oh, you'll *find out*...you'll *know*...

...*find out* and *know* WHAT, you say??

Why, only my heart-stopping affection with mopeds since riding my first one in Ocean City, Maryland *July 1st* of this year!
We rented the lovely two-wheelers for an afternoon, and after those
*14-&-a-half* seconds of getting the hang of how to ride it, it was *game over*.
Done.
Madly in LoVe.
Open wide countrysides, here I come...*one day*...haa haa...

...oh, welcome to my BLOG, by the way. <3